We're Not Sure We Want to Stay Together. Can Therapy Actually Help With That?
A lot of people assume that couples therapy is for couples who have decided they want to stay together and are working to improve things. That's often true. But some of the most useful work I do is with couples who are sitting with a harder question: we don't actually know if we want to do this anymore.
If that's where you are, that's a legitimate reason to come to therapy, and it doesn't require you to have an answer before you walk in the door.
What It Usually Feels Like to Be in This Place
The couples I see who are uncertain about their relationship tend to share a few things in common, even if the details look different from couple to couple.
There's usually a feeling that something hasn't been right for a while, combined with difficulty pinpointing exactly what it is or if it's even something that can change. Sometimes there have been significant ruptures, an affair, a serious breach of trust, or years of unresolved conflict. Other times it's more of a gradual drift, where two people have grown apart and aren't sure whether they are able to close that distance or not.
Often, at least one partner has started imagining what life might look like on their own, not necessarily because they want that, but because the thought is there. There's usually grief mixed in, for what the relationship was supposed to be, or for what it used to feel like. There's also usually fear about making the wrong decision, about what separation would actually look like, or about what staying would mean if things don't change.
The uncertainty itself gets tiring. It's hard to invest in a relationship when part of you isn't sure you want to, and it's hard to make a clear decision when you're still in the middle of it.
What Therapy Can Actually Do Here
I want to be honest about what therapy is and isn't in this situation.
Therapy is not going to tell you what to do. That's your decision, and no therapist should be making it for you. What therapy can do is give you a structured space to think more clearly, together and separately, about what you each actually want and need, and whether this relationship can provide it.
A lot of couples who come in at this stage haven't had a really honest conversation about where things stand in a long time, sometimes years. One or both partners may have been managing the relationship more than engaging with it, keeping the peace, side-stepping certain topics, getting through the week. Therapy creates a space to have the conversations that haven't felt safe or possible outside of it, with someone there to slow things down when they escalate and help both people actually hear each other.
What usually happens in that process is that things become clearer. Sometimes the clarity is that there's more to work with than either person could access on their own, and both people want to try. Sometimes it's that the honest answer is that the relationship isn't the right fit for either of them anymore. Both of those are real outcomes, and a good therapist isn't steering toward one or the other.
The more useful question therapy tends to focus on isn't "are we happy right now," but whether the problems in the relationship are workable over time, or whether they reflect something about compatibility or values that isn't likely to change.
What the Early Sessions Look Like
When a couple comes in at this level of uncertainty, the first few sessions tend to focus on a few things.
I want to understand each person's experience of the relationship: what has been working, what hasn't, what the significant turning points have been, and what each person is hoping to get from being in therapy. Those hopes are sometimes the same and often different, and knowing that early is useful information.
I also want to create enough safety that both people can be honest. One of the most common dynamics in couples who are in this place is that honesty has started to feel risky, that saying what you actually think or feel will either escalate things or cause damage you're not sure you can repair. A lot of the early work is helping both people say what's true without it immediately blowing up.
From there, we start looking at the patterns that have kept the relationship stuck. Most couples in this place are caught in cycles where the same conflict comes up repeatedly, neither person feels heard, and both eventually either withdraw or escalate in ways that make things worse. Getting a clearer picture of that cycle, and what each person's role in it is, gives both people something concrete to work with rather than just a general sense that something is off.
Whether the couple decides to stay or to separate, understanding those patterns tends to be useful. It helps people make a clearer choice, and if the relationship ends, it's less likely the same dynamics will show up in the same way again.
A Note on Both People Being in the Room
Couples therapy works best when both partners are willing to engage with the process, not necessarily with the same level of certainty or enthusiasm, but with some basic willingness to show up and be honest. If one partner has already decided to leave and is only in therapy to manage the other person's response, that's worth naming early, because the work looks different in that situation.
That said, uncertainty on one or both sides is completely fine. A lot of people come to their first session not knowing if they believe therapy will help, not sure if they want to stay, and not fully trusting the process. You don't have to arrive with confidence in the outcome. You just have to be willing to see what comes up.
Working with Me at Middle Way Wellness
I'm Courtney Sommers, an LLPC at Middle Way Wellness with training in Gottman Level 2 couples therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy, Motivational Interviewing for couples, and Therapy for Partner Aggression and Abuse. I work with couples across a range of situations, including couples who aren't sure whether they want to stay together.
At Middle Way Wellness, all couples therapy inquiries start with a consultation with me. That initial conversation is a chance to talk through what's going on, what you're hoping for, and who within the practice might be the best fit for your specific situation. You don't need to have things figured out before that call.
Couples counseling is private pay only. Private pay and some insurance accepted for individual sessions.
Book a free 15-minute consultation
Frequently Asked Questions
Can we come to couples therapy if we're not sure we want to stay together? Yes. You don't need to have decided to stay in the relationship to start couples therapy. A lot of couples come in at a point of real uncertainty, and the therapeutic process is specifically useful for helping people get clearer on what they want and whether the relationship can provide it.
What is discernment counseling and is it different from couples therapy? Discernment counseling is a specific short-term model designed for couples where at least one partner is leaning toward ending the relationship. It focuses on helping couples decide whether to work on the relationship, separate, or take more time. At Middle Way Wellness, we work with this kind of ambivalence within a couples therapy framework rather than as a separate service, though the goals are similar.
What if one of us wants to stay and the other isn't sure? That's one of the most common situations we see, and it's workable. The first step is usually helping each partner get clearer on their own experience and creating a space where both people can be honest without it immediately escalating. Couples with different levels of commitment to the relationship can still benefit from the process.
How many sessions does it take to get clarity? It varies. Some couples find a meaningful shift in the first few sessions. Others need more time to get below the surface of the immediate conflict. Most couples have a clearer sense of direction within eight to twelve sessions, though going in with some flexibility about the timeline is helpful.
Where can I find a couples therapist in Ferndale or Metro Detroit who works with relationship uncertainty? Middle Way Wellness in Ferndale, MI works with couples who are unsure whether to stay together, in-person and virtually throughout Michigan. All couples inquiries start with a consultation with Courtney Sommers, LLPC, who can help determine the right fit and approach for your specific situation.
Sources
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers.
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown and Company.
Doherty, W. J., & Harris, S. M. (2017). Helping couples on the brink of divorce: Discernment counseling for troubled relationships. American Psychological Association.
